Second Chance at Your Dream

In a restaurant, how can you tell if a couple is newly dating or has been married for a while? Most observers will note that newly enamored couples talk a great deal in the excitement of getting to know each other while older married couples seem hardly talk to each other at all. This may be because an older couple knows each other so well there is no need to talk, or it may be that they have become bored with each other, or perhaps something has occurred in the complexities of their day-to-day relationship that they want to avoid discussing.

Whatever the reasons, real romance needs refiring. Especially if you are in a long-term committed relationship. Nothing happens automatically. Research about marriages shows that couples who carefully attend to their relationship on a daily basis are the happiest and most fulfilled. Such successful connecting over time is often described in idealized terms which can fill outsiders with envy or awe. Good relationship mathematics exceeds usual number concepts: One and one does not make two, rather we may hear ideas such as, “My partner and I are able to cut our stresses in half and to quadruple our happiness.”

Romance is often associated with one’s significant other and symbolized with the hearts of Valentines. The real romance in life, however, begins with the relationship to oneself. You might want to ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I really appreciate my talents and gifts?
• Do I nurture my body and listen to its messages?
• Do I love who I am or who I am becoming?
• Am I willing to learn something new each day?
• Do I look forward to the adventure of learning about myself as I relate to my partner?

As we explore these questions, we recognize how essential personal joy, vitality, and courage are to the health of a love relationship with someone else. No partner, fairy godmother or knight in shining armor can bestow the gift that brings truthfulness and heart-centered intimacy to a relationship with another person if one’s sense of self-worth is diminished or missing.

Here are some suggestions from the new field of energy psychology for “re-firing” your passion for life and your own being so you can be fully responsive to your special partner.

• Think of five things about yourself you really like. Then think of five more. Let the list grow as you notice good choices you’ve made for your health and well-being.
• Affirm your strengths while gently massaging the heart area in the mid-chest with, “I deeply and profoundly accept myself with all my gifts, talents, and abilities.” This also includes acknowledging, “I deeply and profoundly accept myself with all my faults, problems, and limitations.” In other words, we can recognize our issues without losing the connection to caring and self-esteem.
• Acknowledge the human reality of making mistakes. A slip of the tongue, a wrong choice– hundreds of possibilities exist each day for tripping up or putting oneself down. Note one of the most pressing issues toward the end of each day and be willing to explore what happened. Sometimes, it helps to write it down to survey the details of a situation.
• Ask yourself, what can I learn from the mistake? what can I do differently in the future? Be willing to learn from the identified mistake since we all make mistakes but not all are willing to learn and grow.
• Affirm the reality within yourself, “Even though this____ happened, or I wish I had not said/done___, I still deeply and profoundly accept myself.” This positive self-statement may include a sense of letting go or forgiving oneself and of making amends with another person if possible. It does not mean abandoning oneself or ignoring the truth of one’s mistake but rather enhances positive self-responsibility.
• Reconnect with your many resources and strengths so you can effectively set boundaries with your actions and choices. As you learn to trust yourself you will be able to note when something is amiss in your interactions with others and to avoid abusive relationships.

As a counselor I have often been asked by lonely or divorced clients how to find the right person for their lives. My answer is to start with the self-caring resources of energy psychology as outlined here. There is no fairy tale romance that can outlast life’s many challenges without a good sense of your self-worth. Instead of looking for the right person with whom to share your life, BE the right person. Be the confident, self-caring, and yes! –romantic person you have every right to be. Refire your passion for life!

As you learn to love and live with your own very best friend, you will attract the kind of person who can resonate with you and share the great adventure of life.

Dr. Dorothea Hover-Kramer is the author of Second Chance at Your Dream and a leading expert in personal “re-firement.”